What did I feel after using Tinder in Japan?

Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, JackD. You might have heard at least one of those names. Undoubtedly, Industry 4.0 continues to change the way we live, think, and act. Love is not an exception. When Tinder became available in 2012, it initiated a new era in the history of romance.

I first encountered the concept of dating apps a few years ago while watching a short film about JackD – a dating app specially designed for the LGBT community. Last semester, while looking for a topic for my seminar class, I came across some papers discussing the connection between Tinder and intimacy in the digital era. "Wow, I'll give it a try!" – I thought so after reading some fascinating perspectives in those papers. I downloaded the app, picked some photos, and created an account a few minutes later. That was how my journey on Tinder started.

Tinder is not a hookup app in Japan

Tinder has a reputation as a hookup app in Western countries. However, to my surprise, Tinder in Japan is marketized to be a friend-making app instead. Also, a lot of Japanese guys I talked to mentioned meeting foreigners and learning English as their main motivations to use Tinder.

Another man told me that he initially used the app to broaden the network:

"It is neither looking for a romance nor a night-stand. I simply want to get out and meet people who have different background from the ones that I've been hanging out with every day."

However, are "making friends" and "learning new languages" just ways of saying? Is it true that most of the Japanese don't use Tinder, or dating apps in general, to look for sexual opportunities? My curiosity arose more and more after a week talking with people on the app. I decided to meet up with a guy, who is a 24-year-old Japanese freelance UX designer from Osaka, hoping that he would answer my questions. He was looking for new friends as he had just moved to Beppu recently. He told me that Japan is a peculiar case when it comes to dating apps. First, even though the technology is widespread and completely embedded into the western dating culture, there is still a social stigma attached to using dating apps over here in Japan. It means that dating apps are not as widely accepted in Japan as compared to the US. Therefore, people tend to be shy and not straightforward about what they truly want. They don't even put their real pictures on their accounts. Second, it seems as if Japanese people don't need an online platform to satisfy their physical needs. Pornography is legalized. Sex shops offer more than unusual objects to fulfill their sex drive. Red-light districts and other nightlife services are available and easy to access anytime. Thus, if they use a platform like Tinder, they will hope to meet and develop real connections with somebody.

Tinder allows women to take control of their romantic and/or sexual encounters

Growing up in an Asian family, I have learned that girls are socialized to be kind and more sensitive to other people's feelings than boys. There's nothing wrong with being nice. Boys, on the contrary, are socialized to be less adjusted to people's feelings and to win. What this means is that when women and men start to play together – and for some, dating is a game – women are at a slight disadvantage. They want to play nice, while guys merely want to win.

Therefore, dating apps come as a place to help women be more dominant in the dating market. "Matches" on Tinder is a form of social recognition regarding desirability, which I believe can make a positive impact on one's self-esteem. The fact that I can effortlessly swipe on people whom I find attractive helps me go through feelings of rejection and feeling undesirable after fights with my ex. Lucy, who I happened to host via Couchsurfing last year, gave me brilliant insights as an active Tinder user:

"As a single mom, I don't have too much time in my hands. Therefore, Tinder saves me a lot of time and effort. Also, it allows me to establish clear boundaries, informing my sex buddies that I don't want further commitment or them to stay overnight, which is not easy at all when I talk with a guy, let's say in a bar. I feel like I'm in complete control of everything and still feel good about myself and my body."

Is Tinder making negative impacts on views on sexual intercourse, commitment, and romantic ideals?

My answer is still no after reading a lot of articles talking about how Tinder is tearing apart society and increasing the fragility of relationships. From my experience, although dating apps make it easier for us to swipe behind a screen instead of approaching people in person and engaging in conversations that may or may not lead to rejection, what happens afterward is the same with which people you bump into in real life. You will go on dates, get to know each other, and decide whether to start a romantic or sexual relationship. Dating apps are just a platform ensuring your opportunities to meet people, instead of coming across them in a class or a school club you join. My viewpoint on sex, commitment, and romance continues to change over the year thanks to relationships I have been through, not because of using Tinder.

How to enjoy using Tinder?

Although I have yet to experience any trauma while using the app, let me state that Tinder is breeding a demographic of entitled people who are looking for an easy way to feed their ego and avoid getting hurt. Therefore, there are a few things you should keep in mind while using dating apps:

• Know what you want
  

It's essential to be clear about what you want to yourself and to the people you are talking with. Don't play around with people who are looking for a long, committed relationship if you just want a hookup. Don't fall into an illusion that your partner is falling for you if, at first, you guys only agree to be friends with benefits.

• Be ready for unexpected accidents
  

I was so shocked when I was threatened by the girlfriend of a guy that "matched" me on Tinder that I ended up blocking them both. The guy who is trying to get you into bed may be in a relationship with someone else. The girl whom you have been flirting with may be just another guy. It isn't easy for everyone to be candid on the Internet. You can't avoid getting hurt, rather stay calm and be ready for incidents like this. To me, love sometimes equals hurt and rejection, just like sex and pain sometimes comes together. It's fine to get hurt; the key is that you should know your limit. Get yourself out of toxic relationships as soon as possible and take it as a lesson learned.

In the end, networked intimacy is about flirting, courtship, and the ongoing search for love and fulfillment via dating apps and smartphones. It brings about new freedoms, opportunities, and pleasures, as well as old and new anxieties about risk, self-image, and love. Although I didn't make it to a topic in my seminar class, this whole experience gave me a chance to reflect on myself while engaging in conversations with others. I wish you all the best if you consider starting your Tinder journey after reading this!